Just two days ago, I sat down to examine the chaos that has been my life and it just dawned on me that I can name a thousand reasons why God should not make sense to me. I even saw a video on TikTok where a former fervent Christian itemized dozens of reasons why she stopped believing in God and I cannot lie to you, she made very valid points. I have seen people lose faith because of loss and pain. I have even had moments where I held my faith to light and questioned the potency of it. 

I don't even know why I am making this post, if not to tell you that I have tasted a life where my faith in God was not the center of my being and I felt like a fish out of water. When I say faith, I am not talking about organized or performative religion. I am not even talking about being a churchgoer or posting scriptures on the internet - I am talking about the fierce and unflinching belief that there is a God, and that God knows exactly who you are by perfect love, purpose, and design. I cannot even rationalize it to you, I just know I am not an evolutionary science experiment or a product of the big bang theory. I chose to believe that I come from a perfect entity who gave life to the nullity of this world. It's easier that way. 

Belief is powerful, it helps you power through. For some people, it helps them make sense of grief - to understand that a person they care about, has found peace in a place that is beyond this world. It can be a painful, yet hopeful thing. For me, it is in my heartbeat. As I breathe I know it, as I wake, I know it, as I move and love and grief and cry, I know it. I know there is a supreme being and He exists beyond my intellect or contradictions. It's almost like a burden. I have not been able to pray or study the word as I would like to lately, but today I did, and I just found myself shouting, 'God you are so real, it hurts.'  Not that His existence is hurting me, no. It's just… I am fresh off a sea of doubt and this sudden wash of truth that has overwhelmed me feels surgical to my heart. 

A series of events led up to this, but one of them is my writing. I feel more like a child of God when I write. It doesn't matter what I am writing about, it can be murder, sex, love, or history. I just feel like a god when I turn letters into stories and sentences. 

I don't pretend when I write to God.

I say - hey God I don't trust you today because I am tired of life, help my unbelief.

I say - God, I am horny for no reason and if this body is truly the temple you say it is, help me worship my way out of this raging desire.

I say - God, I am jealous of my friends' progress, teach me to be happy for them, for I am not a witch.

I say - God, I don't like my body today, why didn't you create me without extra skin?

I say - God, I am not one of your strongest soldiers, is it not enough to bleed every month, why not take this severe pain away?

I say - God, representation matters,  some people make serving you look like suffer head, I need more examples of your fervent daughters & sons enjoying this life.

I say - God,  am I a rebel for believing that men and women are equal?

This type of honesty keeps me grounded. Because I am baring my heart in its broken and contrite form and you know what God does with a heart like this. He balms it with answers and courage and hope and love. I don't have all my answers yet, but what I have is peace, that I am led by light. That  I am on a journey with the God of all heavens and earth and my answers are in the number of steps I am ready to take with this God. 

This post is already too long. I just came here to say that if your faith is failing start with honesty, no matter how brutal, God can take it. Don't pretend because you don't want to look like a bad person or question God. Tell him exactly how you feel. It's therapeutic to talk to God. God would meet you exactly where you are. 

I have more to say. But later. Talk to me in the comments. 

I am at the gym, watching people lift things that defy the weight of their own bodies as I type this blog post. Sometimes I wonder which joy or grief makes a person carry a 50kg dumbbell like it's sachet water. I wonder what unspoken thing makes a person run on the treadmill for two hours non-stop. What near misses in a person's life, prompts them to skip over a thousand times in five minutes. What are they searching for with all this gravity,  is it hope, is it anger? 

Going to the gym has taught me that fundamentally, everybody craves community. We want to be seen, to feel and be felt, to touch and be touched. To speak and be spoken to. I have also come to appreciate gestures, and how quickly they become a love language, an invitation for friendship, a welcoming. Sometimes all a person needs to champion this world is acknowledgement. I have seen people, who were on the brink of giving up a deadlift attempt, succeed, just because they got a wave from a random gym buddy. For some people, hope is the motivation a trainer gives in the middle of a difficult set. It is the shared laughter of two strangers as they fall face flat, after attempting a one-minute plank. 

I am mostly shy at the gym, but I have gone there long enough to know that nobody is really looking at your love handles or mocking your belly fat, except of course they are mad. Most people just want to sweat and go. If your experiences at the gym are different, please feel free to share. 

Anyway, I want to use this medium to announce to you that I got my first heartbreak. It was a very brief relationship seeing that we never really spoke. Just know that he was really muscular, tall, dark and handsome. I had planned everything out, I would pretend to drop my 10kg dumbbell on my big toe, and he would rush to help me out, our eyes would jam and before you know it,  we are making hot  Instagram reels with Muni Long's, hrs and hrs. Plan B was to approach him and ask him how he grew his muscles, he would then start talking and talking because you know men like to brag about these things, my strategy was to seize the opportunity and ask him for his number, and because I serve a living God, he would give it to me and we would start texting and asking each other have you eaten and in about nine years, we would be walking down the aisle.

I was about to shoot my well-thought-out shot when I found out he was married and his wife was also a member of the gym. And since my name is Roseline Mgbodichinma and not asunder, I have carried my crush and moved on swiftly. Let me continue from where I stopped with the duke of Hastings abeg. My takeaway from this experience is that not all things we crave are cut out for us. That no matter how long our desires are, there are some pleasures we should not reach. I know the full-time side chicks have left the chat but okay.

At the gym, there are people who don't even work out, they just come to gist, converse and take photos. I am learning that this is not a bad thing. Maybe coming to the gym is what escape looks like to these people. I am learning to appreciate the seemingly little things people use as a coping mechanism.  

I have missed writing here and sharing bits of my life with you. So this feels good. I have also tried to be consistent with this whole fit-fam thing, but I am failing woefully.  I hope to get my workout routine and diet in check next week, fingers crossed. I pray I don't skip the gym more than two times this week. Also, my gym instructor is a woman who is over fifty and this makes me feel so safe and motivated in a way that I have never felt before, she is so strict and flexible and I adore her. She makes me laugh and is very fond of her rabbits, she takes care of them before coming to the gym to challenge my body. This makes me so joyful. 

What little things have given you joy this month, please tell me. I want to share in your joy.

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Thoughts...

The reason I will continue to believe no person can exist in a vacuum is that I feel the need to apologize for being absent in a space that I created, a presence I made. As I dance around this thought,  I find myself questioning the selfishness of it, how I want to be read while demanding  that no one should expect the consistency of writing from me. 

I have stared at my blank screen for months not knowing which leg to move with. It is not the lack of stories or experiences to share, but the decision on whether or not to share each memory. I find myself quantifying openness and quality, wondering what is TMI ( too much information) and what is not, wondering if anyone would be interested in reading this mix of calm and chaos that has been my life.  It is also life and all its clichés, the fact that is common knowledge that life will continue to happen yet when the happening starts, it starts to sting and we wonder. 

I want to tell you about a loss that has me unable to write anything, the new joy I have found in a habit, the new friends I have made, the stress that makes even the presence of sleep feel like a pang of guilt, but I want to live with it long enough before sharing, whatever this means. 

I am realizing that this post will not be everything I want it to be, but I have chosen to write it still. Not for the sake of just posting, but for foundation. Foundation which is sharing, which is giving, which is documenting, which is ranting, which is writing everything into something, which is showing up. 

I want to say also, that I am incredibly shocked that people still read this blog, that I get random messages from a handful of people talking about my writing and asking that I come back to posting. I tell my friend that I only have random readers, that I don't have a community. I am glad she slapped those words right back to where they came from, to tell me that all the people who make space & time for my writing no matter how little, are in fact community. I thank her for the revelation.

Google emailed to say I had 426 users visit my blog last month. I screamed internally. I imagined myself in a room talking to over 400 people, how surreal it must be. One night, I woke up and randomly checked my stats, and at that time, in that moment about 40 people were present on this blog. So over 40 different people with their gadgets, in different parts of this world were scrolling through my blog for whatever reason, wild! Do you know how humbling this is for me?

As I type this I am in class and not listening because there was a burden in my chest to just type this out. I just want to say that I am still in awe that this blog has over 100k views because you read, cared and shared. 

I do not exactly promise to be consistent but I promise to be honest and write to you about everything and nothing as much as I can. Also, the way my content is structured may or may not change, but I'd have you know there is a tenderness in me that is yearning to be laid bare, can't wait to dig into it and share it with you. I am choosing to be honest, even in uncertainty.

I thank you again for being here, for reading, for closing your eyes to typos and getting the message, for taking a screenshot of parts that resonate with you and sharing, for volunteering to help me edit since it's such a chore, for commenting, for telling a friend to tell a friend, for saying hi to me in odd places and screaming "wait... I know you, you are the blogger." You all know who you are and I am thankful that you live.

Please subscribe as well, the subscribe button is bold on the home page. Let's move this ministry together! 

With Love,

Hi, please introduce yourself 

My name is Alexandra Obochi My friends call me Alex or Xandra or pretty much any of the variations they like. I recently graduated from the University of Benin with a bachelor's degree in international studies and diplomacy and I'm currently awaiting NYSC call up. I am a professional makeup artist, a content creator and aspiring creative director. I'm also a curve model, basically what you would call a plus-size model. I am the convener of fashion and curve, a plus size fashion show that had its debut in the city of Benin in 2019. Hopefully, we'll see a 2nd edition soon. I love everything fashion and my style is alte, retro and vintage. 

Have you ever struggled with low self-esteem and at what point did you become very confident in your skin

I've never exactly struggled with low self-esteem for a long period. There have been times in my life however that I've let myself be down on confidence because of what people or family said to me concerning my weight. But ultimately I'm a very confident person so I eventually get back up or come up with ways to do so.

Have you ever been body shamed, how do you handle body shamers both online and offline? 

Lol, the answer to this is a big and resounding YES! All my life I've been body-shamed, from family members to relatives who feel the need to give their opinion even when not asked, down to classmates, friends and even partners in relationships.  Been fat automatically means you're a bit different from others and people will never learn how to accept different.

When handling body Shamers I always put them in their place, I've worked hard on my self-confidence and I don't need anyone to come tearing it down. I've recently been trying to put out more body-positive contents on social media and there's a little backlash especially on Twitter. A lot of times I ignore or block or respond very harshly to these body shamers, they listen to no other thing. Offline however I respond always. It is my life and body so I see no reason why anyone should have an opinion about it. 

...fuck society's expectations of what we should be or look like. Self-love is hard but it's the most rewarding thing ever. Never be ashamed of how you look...

You are a very experimental makeup artist, you play with colours and create amazing looks. Where did this inspiration to be bold and fearless with your art come from?

Thank you for the compliment. I love colours and love to create looks. The truth is I love being an artist and I have an incredible passion for it. The art of transforming myself or a client is incredibly rewarding to me and I've always loved to see how far I could take it while still looking amazing. I get inspired a lot of times by just thinking of creating or putting ideas together in my head. Other times I'm inspired but amazing artists in my niche and field. 

Been fat automatically means you're a bit different from others and people will never learn how to accept different.

Have you ever had people tell you that you are doing too much, that you should probably tone it down a bit, if yes, how did you handle such opinion?

I've never had such an opinion and if I ever do, you'll see me doing more instead of less. Can't ever let people bring me down and that's on period.

I love being an artist and I have an incredible passion for it. The art of transforming myself or a client is incredibly rewarding to me

You are a fashion Icon in my opinion, so how long does it take you to style yourself and what do you have to say to people who think plus-sized women should only wear certain types of clothing or outfits 

I'm not a fashion Icon yet, but I like to think I'm on my way. Styling is pretty easy for me once I've paired up the outfits in my head, I always do the pairing before testing. 

To people who think plus-sized women should only wear certain outfits. I think that's rubbish and to my beautiful plus sized gals please wear what you wanna wear, if it's cropped top wear it hunnay! If it is a body con dress wear it and own your curves, own your FUPA, own those rolls baby and love yourself.

On your Instagram page, you combine patterns and prints and it's very artistic, what does being an African woman mean to you?

Being an African woman is so exhilarating to me. Wearing Patterns and prints brings out the best in me and reminds me that my skin is gold and my ancestry is full of African kings and Queens. I'm so proud to be African and Nigerian at that. And being proud of my culture leads to me imbibe every aspect of my life with culture. 

You have a reasonable following on social media. Do you ever feel pressured to perform or fit into a certain Aesthetic, do you think this idea of perfection in the creative space is harmful?

While I do feel pressured to always put out content, the pressure comes from within myself as I love to push myself to be consistent in anything I do. I feel I have created my aesthetic through my style and creativity and I'm super proud of that. And no, I never feel pressured to fit into a certain aesthetic because I have tried all my possible best to create my aesthetic and make it a lifestyle. So it's not that hard to do especially when you get  used it 

I think perfection is overrated. Nobody is perfect. Even on Instagram. And the idea of it is harmful. To an extent even I have experienced the bad side of thinking you can be perfect on Instagram. Through pressuring myself to try and be like other people or wear what they wear or do what they do. It didn't help me in any way and I had to learn to curb that need to be perfect or create perfect content like some influencer we see.  

When handling body Shamers I always put them in their place, I've worked hard on my self-confidence and I don't need anyone to come tearing it down.

Have influencers, celebrities or Instagram models ever caused you to think about your body image and was it negatively or positively?

Like I said it's very easy to be affected and think negatively about yourself especially when everyone around you seems to be close to perfect. However, I learnt to not compare myself to people I see on the gram. And to love me a little more every time I feel pressured to be like someone else. 

I find your younger brother very cool and handsome. Do you style him too and how important is it to educate children on body image and self-confidence.

Thank you so much. Yes, I style most of his outfits, he manages to pull them off with his insane charisma and model poses. 

I wish someone has taken the time to educate me on body confidence when I was little. Knowing that there's nothing wrong with our bodies and with how we looked at that age would have been freeing. I think it's very important to educate children so that they'd know early on how important it is to love their bodies and selves. 

I think perfection is overrated. Nobody is perfect. Even on Instagram. And the idea of it is harmful.

Overall how has your creative journey been and is it slightly more difficult for plus-sized women in the creative industry?

Overall, my creative journey has been insane. At least that's the one thing I can fully say I achieved last year. It's been amazing and even looking through my Instagram page you can clearly see growth. 

I believe it is a bit difficult for plus-sized women. Sometimes getting people's attention is hard, and even more painful is when a normal-sized person does the same thing or less of what you did, people flock the content. That is really discouraging.

I feel I have created my aesthetic through my style and creativity and I'm super proud of that. I never feel pressured to fit into a certain aesthetic

Any advice for women, especially young girls who are ashamed of the way they look and find it hard to accept themselves because of society? 

Girlllll. The one thing I have learnt this year is to fuck society's expectations of what we should be or look like. Make sure your own opinion comes first. Make sure you are your top priority and not what people think of you. Self-love is hard but it's the most rewarding thing ever. Never be ashamed of how you look especially if its something as normal as saggy boobs or stretch marks or even back rolls. Those are incredibly normal and you should never feel bad about having them on your body. 

What do you do for fun, give us three random facts about you?

I love to read Manga, Romance, fiction, play music, dance and have fun family time. 

Random facts about me; I hate honey, I'm insanely curious and I cry for every movie. Doesn't matter the genre I will cry. Even if the ending is happy or sad or scary!

Thank you for doing this! 

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A post shared by Obochi Alexandra | Blogger (@diaryofa_fatshionista)

HIS MESSAGE 

You can go on and on... 

But you're still missing where I'm coming from. 

I told you I don't support gender equality. I support Gender equity.

Why? Simple. We're not the same. 

No matter how we try to paint it, with sentiments and stuffs,

No matter the injustice that may be deduced in it, 

The fact still remains. 

Male and Female are two different species altogether. Even God had to be particular in making the differences down to the minute physical attributes. 

We're different emotionally, psychologically, physically, mentally. Although the mental part vastly majors of individual differences than Gender differences.

If the two homo sapien species are this different, 

why advocate for equality? 

That will be wrong.

We are not equal, and therefore, can't be treated equally.

I'm not saying men are greater than women,

I'm saying that males are superior to females. It's a well known historical fact. 

But the real problem is that the males tend to be superior and take advantage of the females even in their little right... Just like the proverbial rich man who had many cattle yet went to kill that one Lamb of the poor man for his visitor.

That's why I advocate Equity. Fairness.

Even down to our homes, your parents probably won't treat you the way they treat your brother. 

Historic facts even uphold that. 

You Feminists turn away from the ills that befall men because they are men and focus more on the marginalization of women which actually isn't as intense as you all posit it to be. You also forget about certain privileges you guys automatically get just because you are women. 

Over history, men are the one that get whipped, women aren't (just because they are women). Most times, if they do something that warrant whipping or something, it's a male from her family that will be called upon to bear the pains. You also forget that it is the men that go to war and die fighting to protect the women. If you wanted Equality, why not the women fight alongside the men too? But no, they stay at home tending to the children... and chickens.

Over the times I go camping, the best places are always reserved for the females. Just because they are females. There were many times we had to sleep on the floor of a windowless class and bathe in the open wgile enduring the chilling cold while the girls sleep in warm beds and bathe in good bathrooms with steamed water! 

Yet, did we complain? No. Because we get to have certain compensations and privileges. It's like a balance of power.

Naturally, women are weak physically (there are few exceptions tho). 

So hard works and jobs are reserved for the men. If you all want equality, let's start there. Do what we do.

"What a man can do, a woman can do better" is one of the most ridiculous statements I've heard in this century. It's absurd. Fallacy of false generalization. I actually know there are some things a woman can do better than a man like childbirth for example😂🔥.

So my dear,

If we begin to unravel the ills men face and the privileges women get even when it is at the detriment of a man, you'll believe that what you should be advocating for is Equity. Your rights shouldn't be trampled upon and stuff. Like the voting part. It should be for everyone. Women should have a say in the government. 

But when it gets to women getting the same privileges reserved for Men, 

Don't go there. 

We don't get to have those privileges reserved for women.

MY RESPONSE 

You can not support gender equity and be against gender equality.

Gender equity is the process of being fair to women and men. To ensure fairness, strategies and measures must often be available to compensate for the historical and social disadvantages that prevent women and men from otherwise operating on a level playing field. 

Equity leads to equality. Equity is simply ensuring that women reach the heights their male counterparts have reached just because they have a penis. Equity Is a means to an end.

This may include equal treatment or treatment that is different but which is considered equivalent in terms of rights, benefits, obligations, and opportunities. Women have over time being denied basic human rights,  so to say they cannot have those rights because the men are going war and moving mountains is a bit of a reach.

There is this tone I perceived while reading what you sent, in some places you used "little rights" and you even went on to give an analogy about the proverbial rich man, taking from the poor as a metaphor for men oppressing women. lol... To use these types of analogies when referring to the injustices done to women is demeaning, it is also to ignorantly suggest that

And you keep saying fact lol. Fact is simply, in my opinion, information used as evidence. A widely accepted version of what people perceive to be their truth. That something is a fact does not mean it cannot be unjust. And for context in my house, I and my brother are treated differently largely because of the age difference, not gender.

You are talking about women tending to chickens while men went to war in society. Are you kidding me? Men have silenced women, took their power to vote, societally misconstrued them into believing they are made to pleasure men and when it is time for war, you want them to pick up a rifle. Humour me!

Plus do you know that even to this day women pass tests required to enter the navy and army and majority of them are denied simply because they have a vagina?

It's happening even to this day, now imagine the backlash women of the old would have received had they declared interest in going to war and even then, in the harsh conditions some of them still persevered.

For context,  Women in World War I( this is just one instance out of many) were mobilized in unprecedented numbers on all sides. The vast majority of these women were drafted into the civilian workforce to replace conscripted men or work in greatly expanded munitions factories. Thousands served in the military in support roles, e.g. as nurses, but in Russia, some saw combat as well. Google their names by yourself.

Also, this is another argument I very much understand. Some Feminists argue that ‘women were not warriors’ their job was not to ‘bear arms’ but ‘bear armies.' Engaging in combat would undermine the argument that it was not only those who fought for their nation (men) who had a right to the ultimate gift of citizenship and right to vote.

Another proof that all men have is audacity. Did you hear about the Alabama Abortion ban? Most of the US state laws banning or severely restricting access to abortions have been voted on by male politicians. Do you realize how wild it is that this decision about an issue concerning women so intimately is being made almost entirely by men? 51% of women make up their population yet it's law makers are 85% male. Should men have the right to rule on an issue that impacts women so intimately? And this is just one example !!!!

And as for your camping experience of men being treated more harshly, that is a sad thing and one idea of feminism is to show that being emotional and vulnerable is not a sign of weakness and boys too should be allowed to show that side. "Be a man! be a man!" is the reason suicide rate is higher for men.

And you said you people camped under harsh conditions as boys and you people did not complain because you knew you have other privileges...my dear, that is not balance of power and it is sad that you will use the inconveniences men suffer on some occasions to compare to the injustices that have shaped women's existence over centuries.

It's ludicrous to me that men, never complain that they are oppressed or maltreated until women start talking about the injustices done to them.  I have not seen a men's right movement existing on its own for its own sake. Or to help and encourage men to be the best version of themselves. It is always done to belittle women's experiences or as a response to women's push back against injustice, a twisted, untrue and selfish kind of #metoo movement. If men only shout about their "issues" when women are expressing their grievances and disgust over the discrimination and injustices done to them then this goes to show that men are simply privileged and benefit more from society than women. And that in itself is sheer injustice.

You see this image, please stop using it to justify your gender equity argument. This is simply a picture of a man and a child. Women are not children or small human beings that need male benevolence to thrive. They can stand tall or twice as tall. & yes I am interpreting this literally because with this photo you are saying women are weaklings who need help to see far. That's all I see in this photo when it is used in the context of gender. Maybe use it to explain poverty or economic margins or something else, just not gender. Cheers!