It’s not that I have not tried but each time I went in to drown myself someone saved me. I would then have to Inhale the stench of hospital antiseptic for days. I am fortunate not to be locked up in a mental asylum because I know I am stable, And I tell doctor Rida that I go to the beach to practice the swimming lessons I learned online, the multiple folds that sculpt her forehead show that she doesn’t believe me but she let me go anyway.

Today I have blocked the bathroom pipe and I shut the doors, letting my beautiful body rust in the bathtub. I let my phone ring because I wanted to see the endless numbers of people who claimed to care.

 Chuma has called twelve times in the last one minute and I don’t understand why, what does he want now, he broke off our engagement last week, he had no right!
He said I was selfish, that I was strange and very defensive. I was innocent of these accusations, I was only trying to protect him from himself.

He had just lost his mother and was crying his eyeballs out in immense pain so I cut his wrist with a kitchen knife so that he could forget the loss of his mother and feel a different kind of temporal pain, pain that will lead to relief.


When I lost my job I scrapped my heels till I saw blood flowing from my veins, It didn’t bring back my job but it took away the heaviness I felt in my soul.
It moved the pain to my foot and I focused more on healing that I soon forgot I was Jobless. So I don’t understand why he ran out of my apartment that night, screaming.  He called me a raving lunatic when I only wanted to take his pain away; people are so ungrateful, to say the least.

Even grace has called me multiple times! I don’t know if I should hate her or not because I never told her what happened the night she took me to the club, but she took me to the club that is all that matters right? It is her fault I was drugged and gang-raped. Again I do not know if it was rape or not because I didn’t resist any of them, something in my head tells me I wanted it, that the numbness I felt on my hands and toes was just an illusion I made up to enjoy multiple rounds of sex.

They dumped me near the gutter and Grace found me, all she did was scold me for getting drunk in the club. She did ask if I was hurt but I said nothing, she should have freaking pushed harder!

I grew a fresh kind of resentment towards her; it is the same Kind of resentment I had for my father when He abandoned me after my mother died from breast cancer.
Grace traveled to Greece two weeks later. It is funny how people move on with their lives even when you are in close contact with death.

My skin is starting to feel like soft pudding and my legs are swollen, one would think that after my numerous breast implants, liposuctions and skin-tightening procedures nothing could damage my skin. I watched everything decay slowly.

I remember growing up in my neighborhood with many children my age, all of them had curves or full breasts and really lovely acne free face but I was different and I was insulted for It. Before mother died she said I was a Late bloomer just like her, she said I will grow into a lovely shape In my twenties so I endured the body shamming from the children till I was twenty-one and I had my first butt Implants.

I still did not feel better with the curves and I never appreciated myself till I met Otti, my first boyfriend. I felt grateful that he chose me. I thanked him and kissed him on the forehead each time he beat me or smashed my head against the wall.

The first time it was because I forgot to charge His Phone and the last time just before we broke up was because I squeezed the toothpaste from the middle.
He said he was tired of my Indiscipline and that the three babies he forced me to abort were never his. He called me a slut even though he was my first.

I killed our children before they got a chance to see the world. I am a bad person and I deserve to drown.
My apartment was already flooded with water and It had started to leak out to the door but I am sure my neighbors are too carried away by the hustle and bustle of Lagos to care over water coming out of a snubs apartment. The tap had been running for hours, I don’t know why It won’t just drown me as fast as the ocean nearly did.

Photo By Josep Moncada Juaneda.

It is almost time for my appointment with doctor Rida and she has called thrice.
 I never gave her my residential address but she said she would find me if I missed my appointment. I hope she finds me when my soul has departed because this process is taking longer than usual.

I hate that she asks me questions about my past, I hate that she wants me to open up and let it go, I hate that she says nobody owes me anything.

What kind of psychiatrist is she? Of course, the world owes me. The universe and the people in it need to suffer for destroying me and if I can’t destroy them, I will destroy myself.
I could just hang or stab myself but chuma removed all the fans and hangers, He said he wanted to replace them; he took all my kitchen utensils away, now my house is empty.

 It was either that or he would report me to the police; I guess he forgot to cut my water supply too. He was so foolish.
My body feels so weak and I am in serious pain, I see myself hanging on the air and I am slowly slipping away.

The voices in my head tell me to soak my head fully into the bathtub but I am too weak to move.
 I think people are knocking and shouting at the door and I hear the sound of an ambulance.

"Azilla, Azilla " is all I can make out, only Grace calls me by my full name but she ran off to Greece.
It must be my Imagination.
They are trying to pull my door down and I wish the water will consume all of them.

‘’Illa why! I love you" that must be Chuma's voice

"move her in, now... One, Two, Three... Press it in...Let her breathe" I hear Dr. Rida dishing out commands to save a life that I want to be lost.

I thought I had closed my eyes forever but I opened it in the general hospital with that familiar unpleasantness of mint and antiseptic. I opened my eyes to Grace, Dr. Rida and Chuma staring at me with pity and hope. I do not speak to them.

I think mental health is something we must all take very seriously. We are in the middle of a pandemic and this can make a lot of people panic. Learn to check up on people. Tell me your thoughts and experiences on mental health. Have you ever experienced it? Do you know someone who has?

Welcome to today’s episode of I have come to judge you. but before I start. let me just beg you to stay safe this Coronavirus period.

I would have done a proper research on this Corona thing for you but I watched a video of people dying in Italy, it was as if the god of death had summoned them for altar call so  I decided to leave it for the courageous. I know now the reason God drove me to the Arts because Lord! Medicine is not for the faint-hearted. Shout out to Doctors all over the world.

Now please while we are confined to our homes what are you doing with your time. I hope you are not becoming a couch potato or a bed warmer. I hope Netflix is not the only thing you are using to chill. I hope you have not become a bedfellow?

Why social distancing affects your time

Remember a time you said you wanted to do a lot of things but your excuse was  ‘’I don’t have time’’  now that you have all the time what have you achieved. The human brain, I think loves to adapt and rest. So there is a hundred percent chance you will come out of this social distancing period valueless.
Yes, I know the world is going through a pandemic and you are allowed to panic be a couch potato.  This post, however, is for people who want to be productive while social distancing.

Social distancing strategies to employ 

This blog post is for you and me don’t worry. I told this hard truth to myself as well. I now understand that in this life you will never have time for anything, rather you create time for everything. Think about it, when you were working or going to school, you were even more productive. You created time for Important things. Right now you have a lot of time you did not ask for or create.

Think for a moment what have you with it.  Yes, 2020 has been crazy. Nobody asked for it but now that we are here please utilize it.

You will be here people will come out of this period with their published books, released songs or they would have done something instrumental to the fulfillment of their purpose and aspirations.

For students like me, you will hear all your friends shouting ‘’I am bored’’  #sleeping all day. I laugh, it is not that your friends or mine are deceivers, Just know that most of them are coming out of this Corona break with finished course outlines and finished textbooks. Don’t play yourself. Read.

If there is anything I love and hate about our generation. It is that we have so much knowledge but we lack wisdom. This is a wake-up call, use this time and discover your passion, your forte, etc. I am not even limiting this to talent.

Explore the things you never thought possible. Start to do them. Time flies, we are already in April and before you say jack Robinson this break will be over even if it is for 3 months.

I am not an expert at dishing Advice but I just thought it wise to tell you that not everybody is resting this period some of us are thinking and doing. See, it's social distancing not an avenue for time-wasting. It is quarantine, not an avenue to waste your time.

Set social distancing goals 

Stand up! I don’t know about you but one of my goals is to come out of this Isolation period with the weight I used to Enter it, so its little progress but I skip at least thrice a week. You are my community so I shared this with you, just to tell you that you can choose anything. It can be working on your speech or learning how to laugh more.

Make a lifestyle change while social distancing 

Tell me any new progress or lifestyle change you have made this period. It doesn't have to be drastic. It is the little things because I want you to make it a Habit. You could decide to read 2 pages of your novel or school book a day or practice one skill you are bad at. It could be anything really.

 Since stores are not open you can visit my post on Why you should not +reading habits and mediums for  Ebook ideas

I just don’t want you to come out of COVID_19  worse than you were when you got in. it was during the ASUU STRIKE in 2018 that I realized that writing is what I will do long term. It was also the year. I wrote the most and won most of my writing awards. In periods of isolation, discoveries are made.

Sometimes isolation allows God to mold you into a person fit for his purpose.  It is not punishment it is preparation - Bishop Td Jakes.

Here is my poem for you. To remind you of who you are.

Dear reader,
Have you looked at your palms?
How the lines grace it
crossing and crossing
Like tiny branches on a tree

Reader
Look at it now
Do you know nothing can break these lines
Even when your palm is broken?
Reader
Divinity drew these lines and
Only divinity can erase it

Reader, we are like lines drawn
on the palm of this world
And though the world be broken
We must make our mark
We must still cross parts
We must bind ourselves
together till we bond
We must be visible

 Reader only divinity can erase us
Not sickness, not weakness,
Not an infant virus
You are too visible to vanish
Too important to be impoverished

But reader
Dormant  lines do not lead to any path
Dormant lines are useless to a broken palm
Reader
I don't have many words for you
But I  know the universe expels uselessness
And the palm is hollow without its lines
I also know that anything that doesn't
Move is stagnant
 And stagnancy oozes
The World is already oozing don't be
Part of the waste!

And because I love Trevor noah. Watch this 

If you want to read more on coronavirus click THIS it is an article by my very resourceful friend Nwokpor Collins. It's all you need to know.