I have stared at my blank screen for months not knowing which leg to move with. It is not the lack of stories or experiences to share, but the decision on whether or not to share each memory. I find myself quantifying openness and quality, wondering what is TMI ( too much information) and what is not, wondering if anyone would be interested in reading this mix of calm and chaos that has been my life.  It is also life and all its clichés, the fact that is common knowledge that life will continue to happen yet when the happening starts, it starts to sting and we wonder. 

I want to tell you about a loss that has me unable to write anything, the new joy I have found in a habit, the new friends I have made, the stress that makes even the presence of sleep feel like a pang of guilt, but I want to live with it long enough before sharing, whatever this means. 

I am realizing that this post will not be everything I want it to be, but I have chosen to write it still. Not for the sake of just posting, but for foundation. Foundation which is sharing, which is giving, which is documenting, which is ranting, which is writing everything into something, which is showing up. 

I want to say also, that I am incredibly shocked that people still read this blog, that I get random messages from a handful of people talking about my writing and asking that I come back to posting. I tell my friend that I only have random readers, that I don't have a community. I am glad she slapped those words right back to where they came from, to tell me that all the people who make space & time for my writing no matter how little, are in fact community. I thank her for the revelation.

Google emailed to say I had 426 users visit my blog last month. I screamed internally. I imagined myself in a room talking to over 400 people, how surreal it must be. One night, I woke up and randomly checked my stats, and at that time, in that moment about 40 people were present on this blog. So over 40 different people with their gadgets, in different parts of this world were scrolling through my blog for whatever reason, wild! Do you know how humbling this is for me?

I do not exactly promise to be consistent but I promise to be honest and write to you about everything and nothing as much as I can. Also, the way my content is structured may or may not change, but I'd have you know there is a tenderness in me that is yearning to be laid bare, can't wait to dig into it and share it with you. I am choosing to be honest, even in uncertainty.

I thank you again for being here, for reading, for closing your eyes to typos and getting the message, for taking a screenshot of parts that resonate with you and sharing, for volunteering to help me edit since it's such a chore, for commenting, for telling a friend to tell a friend, for saying hi to me in odd places and screaming "wait... I know you, you are the blogger." You all know who you are and I am thankful that you live.

Please subscribe as well, the subscribe button is bold on the home page. Let's move this ministry together! 

With Love,

Chibok

A tribe of girls went

Missing while the government

Played monopoly with the terrorists that stole them

Some of them returned empty         some of them died burdened

Some are still in harm’s way           & others never returned

Uwa

I ask for mercy when I write poetry because here

God can turn to dust

How does a girl ask to be

Raped & mutilated, offered in front of a cross?

Tina

Any bus stop near home

Is shooting range

No one took the road in time

To tell her that standing is catfish

When the police is synonym for point and kill

Jennifer

When they say a girl is ripe

What they mean is  -                              is she old enough for us to devour?

Here, it is carnival for a child to be abused by multiple men

Girls

& for thousands of daily unfolding cases 

They ask victims for timestamps, locations & outfit styles

As though this inhumane invasion is some sort of feast

My thoughts:

Each language in my opinion gives a different kind of depth, it possesses its meaning & it has a distinct texture on the tongue. So it means so much to me that this poem I wrote about a very sad but significant event in my country Nigeria has taken meaning in another tongue, in another language - Sheng!

This means a lot to me and I hope more of my pieces get translated across the board!

Thank you, Felix!

Have you ever struggled with low self-esteem and at what point did you become very confident in your skin

I've never exactly struggled with low self-esteem for a long period. There have been times in my life however that I've let myself be down on confidence because of what people or family said to me concerning my weight. But ultimately I'm a very confident person so I eventually get back up or come up with ways to do so.

Have you ever been body shamed, how do you handle body shamers both online and offline? 

Lol, the answer to this is a big and resounding YES! All my life I've been body-shamed, from family members to relatives who feel the need to give their opinion even when not asked, down to classmates, friends and even partners in relationships.  Been fat automatically means you're a bit different from others and people will never learn how to accept different.

When handling body Shamers I always put them in their place, I've worked hard on my self-confidence and I don't need anyone to come tearing it down. I've recently been trying to put out more body-positive contents on social media and there's a little backlash especially on Twitter. A lot of times I ignore or block or respond very harshly to these body shamers, they listen to no other thing. Offline however I respond always. It is my life and body so I see no reason why anyone should have an opinion about it. 

Thank you for the compliment. I love colours and love to create looks. The truth is I love being an artist and I have an incredible passion for it. The art of transforming myself or a client is incredibly rewarding to me and I've always loved to see how far I could take it while still looking amazing. I get inspired a lot of times by just thinking of creating or putting ideas together in my head. Other times I'm inspired but amazing artists in my niche and field. 

Have you ever had people tell you that you are doing too much, that you should probably tone it down a bit, if yes, how did you handle such opinion?

I've never had such an opinion and if I ever do, you'll see me doing more instead of less. Can't ever let people bring me down and that's on period.

You are a fashion Icon in my opinion, so how long does it take you to style yourself and what do you have to say to people who think plus-sized women should only wear certain types of clothing or outfits 

I'm not a fashion Icon yet, but I like to think I'm on my way. Styling is pretty easy for me once I've paired up the outfits in my head, I always do the pairing before testing. 

To people who think plus-sized women should only wear certain outfits. I think that's rubbish and to my beautiful plus sized gals please wear what you wanna wear, if it's cropped top wear it hunnay! If it is a body con dress wear it and own your curves, own your FUPA, own those rolls baby and love yourself.

On your Instagram page, you combine patterns and prints and it's very artistic, what does being an African woman mean to you?

Being an African woman is so exhilarating to me. Wearing Patterns and prints brings out the best in me and reminds me that my skin is gold and my ancestry is full of African kings and Queens. I'm so proud to be African and Nigerian at that. And being proud of my culture leads to me imbibe every aspect of my life with culture. 

While I do feel pressured to always put out content, the pressure comes from within myself as I love to push myself to be consistent in anything I do. I feel I have created my aesthetic through my style and creativity and I'm super proud of that. And no, I never feel pressured to fit into a certain aesthetic because I have tried all my possible best to create my aesthetic and make it a lifestyle. So it's not that hard to do especially when you get  used it 

I think perfection is overrated. Nobody is perfect. Even on Instagram. And the idea of it is harmful. To an extent even I have experienced the bad side of thinking you can be perfect on Instagram. Through pressuring myself to try and be like other people or wear what they wear or do what they do. It didn't help me in any way and I had to learn to curb that need to be perfect or create perfect content like some influencer we see.  

Have influencers, celebrities or Instagram models ever caused you to think about your body image and was it negatively or positively?

Like I said it's very easy to be affected and think negatively about yourself especially when everyone around you seems to be close to perfect. However, I learnt to not compare myself to people I see on the gram. And to love me a little more every time I feel pressured to be like someone else. 

I find your younger brother very cool and handsome. Do you style him too and how important is it to educate children on body image and self-confidence.

Thank you so much. Yes, I style most of his outfits, he manages to pull them off with his insane charisma and model poses. 

I wish someone has taken the time to educate me on body confidence when I was little. Knowing that there's nothing wrong with our bodies and with how we looked at that age would have been freeing. I think it's very important to educate children so that they'd know early on how important it is to love their bodies and selves. 

Overall how has your creative journey been and is it slightly more difficult for plus-sized women in the creative industry?

Overall, my creative journey has been insane. At least that's the one thing I can fully say I achieved last year. It's been amazing and even looking through my Instagram page you can clearly see growth. 

I believe it is a bit difficult for plus-sized women. Sometimes getting people's attention is hard, and even more painful is when a normal-sized person does the same thing or less of what you did, people flock the content. That is really discouraging.

Any advice for women, especially young girls who are ashamed of the way they look and find it hard to accept themselves because of society? 

Girlllll. The one thing I have learnt this year is to fuck society's expectations of what we should be or look like. Make sure your own opinion comes first. Make sure you are your top priority and not what people think of you. Self-love is hard but it's the most rewarding thing ever. Never be ashamed of how you look especially if its something as normal as saggy boobs or stretch marks or even back rolls. Those are incredibly normal and you should never feel bad about having them on your body. 

What do you do for fun, give us three random facts about you?

I love to read Manga, Romance, fiction, play music, dance and have fun family time. 

Random facts about me; I hate honey, I'm insanely curious and I cry for every movie. Doesn't matter the genre I will cry. Even if the ending is happy or sad or scary!

Thank you for doing this!